A personal post: Suffocating on Excuses

Ever feel like your excuses make you want to just scream? You know they are legit. You know they are founded. You know you have reasons. But at the end of the day you are no better than where you started except your head is pounding and you are probably crying because you feel lost in all the reasons. Your justifications why you can't. All the truth that swarms your head and makes you feel simply... claustrophobic.  

I am so there with my weight loss, or lack there of.

I feel so just BLAH. I am over all the reflections that catch me off guard, the pictures that stare at me and make me deny that it's really me. And shamefully I hate that I don't feel as healthy as I once did. I went on a weight loss journey in 2011 and lost 50 pounds. I was at 190 and went down to 140 at my lowest. I stayed at a consistent 145 for several months then I got the beautiful news that I was pregnant. The day I gave birth to my Henry David, I was 225 pounds. O-M-G. I was tested for gestational diabetes and always was on the cusp of having the disease. Truthfully, I feel like I did had them, honestly who knows... but I gained 80+ pounds QUICK and I wasn't eating Big Mac's every day. Shortly after Henry I lost quite a bit quickly with breastfeeding. I was at 180 and feeling like I was on the right path. NOPE. I got Mastitis and my supply dropped to nothing. I stopped breastfeeding when Henry was 8 weeks old and it left me heartbroken, lost, exhausted and gaining weight again rapidly.

Let's fast forward. I am now 190-195 pounds (varying) and although I might not LOOK like it, trust me, I am. I was a ballet dancer for 14 years and although I do have a muscular body and muscle memory from those days truth is, I am still way overweight. Gulp. Isn't it just heartbreaking to admit that out loud? And here I am doing it publicly... glutton for punishment. Well they always say accountability fuels drive and I suppose that's why I am writing this blog post. I was talking to a friend and said to her tonight;

"I don't know how to get into that same mindset where I want to be really, really, really sexy again. I mean Henry was running around naked last night and pooped on my floor. My life is anti-sexy right now".

uh.....

Yeah I just became that person. Did I just talk about that on FB? I surely did and it it led me here to ask you ladies, DO YOU FEEL ME?!?!?! I mean seriously... when do we as women forget about our identity so much that the desire to want to look good or sexy or fit or whatever your goal is just goes to the wayside? I am 27 years old. I am young and I have a HUGE life ahead of me. I need to stop with the excuses, the justifications, the reasons. I NEED TO STOP WEARING FROCKS AND MOO-MOO's.

It's time to wake the heck up and DO something about it. I have had a gym membership at LA Fitness since January 2013! I have gone on and off and felt my body changing back to normal. This child bearing stuff is no joke. Who knew it would be so hard to snap back into shape? I so envy those momma's who do, those without the stretch marks and the loose belly skin, those who look radiant post baby- I envy you. Those who are like me, you know what I am talking about. There couldn't be enough cocoa butter or water or whatever to help what this child did to my body. I have accepted that but I still want to conquer loosing weight to TRY to look like I once did or maybe just a sister version of her. :) So here I am. I am at the point where my arms are thrown up. I am fed up and tired and choking on these excuses. I haven't gone to the gym in 3 months and there is no more good excuse anymore. I have childcare with my membership and henry loves going! It's clean and their staff is wonderful. He get's to play with kids and it's such an extra perk and reward watching him have fun. The teachers and classes at LA Fitness are phenomenal and I don't know why I stopped going. I guess I got comfortable in my excuses. I am no longer comfortable, I am anti-comfty and very unhappy with this. I want my life back and I want to be the mom that can run after her toddler without feeling like she is about to croak over. I want to FEEL healthy again. I want my body to feel healthy but I want my mind to get there too. I know this a mental game more than anything else and if I can get that right loosing weight is physical and easy. Seriously it is... I remember thinking that last time. "Boy this was easier than I thought". I promise really... I did it once before, I can do it again.

So here it where you come into play. Are you a mom who wants to loose weight? I don't care if you want/need to loose 10 pounds or 100 pounds. I want to do this for us and I think this is a great time to do it. I want to do another weight loss competition but trust me, it would be very different than it was last time. I was WAY TOO directorial and dictatorship-like that my tough love might have felt more like bitchy love. lol.. whatever it was, it wasn't quite right. I want to motivate a small group of women who are like me- mothers who wants to feel good again. Mothers who wants their life back. Mothers who want to add sexy back to their vocabulary. Mothers who want to feel good in their clothes and not hate pictures of themselves. I don't know the details yet as this idea just finalized in my head but I know I want to host a small group (10-15 ladies) in a 12 week competition. The winner would get a free session with me for boudoir or portrait use. I would get a few more sponsors to give AWESOME prizes to make the grand prize something really worth working towards. I wouldn't make anyone join any gym like last time. It would be a very independent "honesty rule" type of competition where each person would need to commit to something tangible- like a 3 day purposeful work out. It could be the gym, a class, a video, Crossfit, or even wii fit. I wouldn't care. I would ask for weekly weigh in pictures of you and the scale and YES, I would post to them to my FB public page because I think accountability was crucial in all of our successes last time. I would love to have a few get-together's (not mandatory) to get to know one another and to create a close knit support team group. This doesn't have to be local girls, this can be anyone anywhere. All I want is a 12 week commitment that you will work really hard to achieve this goal. Details will come once I know I have people interested! I would like to start this competition monday because 12 weeks from then in January 1st and that means the entire purpose of the competition... "A new year for a better you". If you are interested please comment this blog post with your back story, your age, reasons why you want in on the competition and you email address! :)  

It's time to breathe again, so who is with me?

 

(a few pics from my journey last time. I got back into yoga and pilates and LOVED it. I think this is where my body was really changing shape and tone... I was addicted! The last 2 pictures are the most current ones of me from last weekend! )